Patience

Here's more about patience. My pastor yesterday talked about how anything God does can take time. I keep writing about it, but I inevitably forget it. I need to focus on how God is good, and He has my best in mind. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own agenda that I feel like God is dragging me through the mud instead of showing me something that is going to make me grow.

In my computer class we've been learning about PIG. Personal Instant Gratification. My pastor yesterday says we're the Instant Gratification Generation, talking about how microwaves at the time of their invention were not for warming up food. It was only later that they found that micro waves were good for this purpose. Warming up coffee - 10 seconds, come on, already! 40 seconds! - half a day!

At the same time I've also been learning about discipline. You'll never come across a lazy successful businessman.

I know these thoughts are sort of all over the place, but I hope you get the gist.

Singleness

My singleness has been bothering me for a while now. I know I'm still young, and God has someone for me, but sometimes I just plain want a guy to talk to, to hug. All my guy friends are approachable, but I just feel like it's not right, somehow, me talking to them about things.

I felt super lonely today. The sermon was on depression, and last week's was on anxiety. (I go to a Bible study on Fridays.)

During worship I was able to get back to God and what He's about. I know He doesn't want me to be all mopey because I don't have a guy that I can talk to. I know He wants me to talk to Him. I have been, I just feel like I'm completely missing something (read: someone) in plain sight.

God will point him out to me, I know. It's extremely painful to wait.

Alienated. That's how I feel I'm being treated by guys. By guys I don't mean guys that are friends, I mean guys that could become more than friends....I know I'm trying too hard.

I should be trying to be the person that is going to attract people, by being godly. I guess I just don't know where to start. That's what gets me down.

Promise

This week, it's basically been the same as the last post. I focus so hard on what I want in life, which is what I think God wants, but it's really not.
God has promised me things. I just don't trust Him; I get sidetracked. I know I want to trust Him, but something happens where I forget about His promises. Promises about how He'll keep me safe, and especially that He'll provide for me.

I don't know where I go wrong about that, but I need to stop.

Jesus is the Great Physician, but God is also a Provider.

You Have Not Forsaken Me

I just haven't been listening to You.

This happens to me so often. I think I know what God means when He points something out to me, but I have no idea. Time and time again I struggle with trusting Him with my entire life, not just work here, school there; but with every aspect of my life, every day. When I trust Him, I able to see better what He wants from me (and for me).

One of my pastors said, "God's going to tell you what He's going to tell you, when He's going to tell you, and that's all He's going to tell you."

Patience is a real issue for me when it comes to what God wants. "Oh, He's showing me something, that must mean I have to do something about it right now." Most of the time it means He's indeed showing me something, but I have to wait in order to find out the answer.

That's always been difficult, to the point I walked away from Christ for a number of years because I got bored. It tore me apart, but Jesus was right there the entire time.

I hope for a day when I'm able to discern what God wants a little faster instead of focusing on my own agenda so much.

Two Different Directions

When you're an adolescent you feel like you're not a kid, but not yet an adult. You feel like you're being pulled in two different directions.

That is how I feel. I am doing one thing, but God is telling me to do something completely different. It's really confusing. I try to figure out what exactly He wants me to do and when and why and how it's all going to work out. Then I just trust Him because it's not going to come to me magically. I have to allow God to show me what He wants me to do.

I have to give up control and just know that it's going to work out, because it has worked out always before when I trust Him with what I'm confused about. Then I go on with life and I forget how hard of a time I had, until it happens again and He shows me something new.

It keeps me interested in Jesus because I'm not stagnant.

The Second Chance

There's a movie called The Second Chance, with contemporary Christian music (CCM) artist Michael W. Smith. His performance is such that you wouldn't know that it's his film debut.

I got a second chance today. I truly feel blessed. Beyond words. This is a blog, though, so there have to be words.

I didn't do so hot two days ago on my math test. Horrible, even. 2 out of 5 that I was confident about. I know the material, I just always freeze up with tests, math tests in particular. So, I was too upset to go talk to him about it that day.

Today, I asked him during the break whether I could talk to him about my test after class and he said, "Yeah." I figured he would just act sympathetic but I'd have to fail the test anyway. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I explained that I knew the material but that my brain just went away and I explained that it was because of pressure that I felt...with everyone else getting done early. He said that he hadn't gotten to grade all of them yet (meaning he hadn't graded mine).

I think it's sort of because he hadn't graded it yet that he suggested a retake. I was incredulous. I had thought that was not an option. He said to come in Monday. (We have a quiz on Tuesday but I was great on the quiz before...so I'm not worried.)

He said it was fine if I need a different environment. I had always been hesitant to ask an instructor about something like that because I thought they wouldn't accommodate me. Just expect me to stick it out and ignore that it's an actual problem. So, I'm glad that my instructor is so approachable.

Alive

I am still shook up from today. I want my first post to be about being alive. That's what I am. I can't really fathom it. Something happened today that was really hard for me. Then I went to my car and I was parked at a downward angle, another car in front of mine like this:
___> <___
my car other car

and I put mine in reverse to exit my parking space, and I started to go forward really fast. I freaked out and thought my car had hit it, because it was just that close. I know this is an anime thing, but think of these chevrons, as they're called, as the front of the cars. >< . It was too close. I didn't want to get out of my car and see if there was any damage because I thought I'd go forward again and really hit the car.
So I just sat there for a while, car in park, while I waited for people behind me to exit the aisle. Then I backed out and was fine. Then someone let me in and I waved thanks and I was on my way out to exit the campus. This street that I was stopped at is a two-way, and the car coming toward me this direction <----- stopped for me and so then I proceeded to accelerate. Then a car from the opposite direction going -----> this way was all of a sudden right in front of me and I saw the driver with this look on his face and his hand pressed on the horn. I put my hand to my mouth because I just plain hadn't seen him. I could have gotten in a major accident.
Of course I stopped when I saw his car.

If anyone comments on this, please don't say "be careful". I'm sorry, but that does not help me. If I had gotten into the accident and was at the hospital, would you say "be careful"? Don't say "be careful" after something has happened. I'm really sorry, I know that's rude of me, but things happened today that made me really antsy and so all I was doing was trying to be careful.

Sometimes things just happen.

I was praying all the way home, "God, just get me home", "Just get me home safe". I know I have work to do as far as my driving. That doesn't really matter to me right now.

I didn't expect to get home. I expected to die on campus. I'm serious.

God has done so much for me today alone.