Saturday, April 4, 2015
Back to Blog
It has been a looong time since I've updated here.
This is where I need to share things. FB is great, but sometimes I just need to get away from it. I do spend a decent amount of time on there.
Lately I've been very lonely. I cannot drive anymore... I would like to get out of the house, but it is tough now because I have more social anxiety. What will people think of who I am now? Why do I care about that? Because I am a compassionate person and I want people's approval.
I've recently had the revelation that I AM worthy of people's respect, but most of the time I do not respect myself. I cannot be perfect. Especially academically. I've spent most of my life trying to be perfect in everything. My parents didn't push me into sports or whatnot yet I still feel as if I'm a failure for not being further along with my life as far as a career, for example.
I'd like to like myself and where I am currently, but it is getting difficult to respect myself. I have ALWAYS beaten myself up. I'm looking forward to some professional help with all my psychological and psychological issues, but part of me doubts I can change. I am willing to try, though.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
This is the best
This is the best way to keep a diary. This is kind of public though. I love writing esays
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Cynicism
Is My Cynicism of Men Justified?
As the title states, I don’t care about other people’s cynicism toward men. The question begs more questions: whether it was brought on by past sin, present expectation, or future hope. Can it be reversed? Does one’s whole life have to be affected severely by it?
If cynicism toward men by me was brought on by past sin, it deserves careful thought. I no doubt have past sin, as everyone, but does it have anything to do with today’s cynicism? I also no doubt hate the sin that men have decided to throw at me, sexually and otherwise. I am presently burdened by it, even if I claim not to be to anyone’s face. It keeps cropping up like weeds in an otherwise gorgeous, flourishing garden. I tend to lump groups of men together as players, nice, mean, and other simple terms that are stereotypical and mean in their own right. This has a huge effect toward making my cynicism prosper.
Perhaps my current cynicism of men is because of my present expectation of men. I expect that men who appear nice will be nice, instead of treating me like their mistress or garbage can, or both. We are generally speaking of Christ-followers, or pretenders of Christ-followers. I don’t believe it is too childish of me to think that people are inherently good… although Paul does say in Romans that no one is good, not one. I also expect that men can see a little of who I am, and so treat me with dignity and not make too many outlandish assumptions.
In terms of future hope, I started thinking about marriage at age 8, and my mom told me I needn’t worry about it quite yet. All the same, I pictured a very long line of men in my mind, lined up to be The One; the person I’d eventually marry. As I’d date one man, he would step forward in the line of men, but not too far forward. When we broke up, he’d step back, and eventually with the years, disappear from the line. With my cynicism at full blast, is there a line? I’m of childbearing age, and God knows I see it within the next one or two years to marry. This paper was initiated out of all three of these concepts discussed. I can’t, won’t sit around doing nothing about this cynicism and hatred and let it destroy me. It impacts my depression acutely.
For reversal, my options appear limited. Take the anti-depressant. Talk to men you don’t like to create reverse psychology and you may end up liking them. Don’t talk to men you like, you’ll be sorely and painfully disappointed; thus increasing cynicism and distress.
My life this morning has been affected severely by cynicism. I was so angry at what a man said to my face on Sunday that I could only look at people as I drove by with that same anger. I am in the image business, and anger on a face of someone in the image business will not increase business. This in turn affects my level of depression adversely because I let a potential customer see my weakness. This cycle of cynicism is not what God had in mind when He created me.
All in all, my cynicism of men may be justified by my past sin and present expectation. My future hope of a man who will treat me the way God intended a man to treat me is separate, and will remain a hope until it is actualized. I don’t see a way of reversing my cynicism, only diminishing it by finite amounts. Lastly, I know who I am in Christ and I needn’t be so angry. I’m Emilie, though, and being angry and defensive is something I’ve become quite skilled at as an adolescent as well as into adulthood.
As the title states, I don’t care about other people’s cynicism toward men. The question begs more questions: whether it was brought on by past sin, present expectation, or future hope. Can it be reversed? Does one’s whole life have to be affected severely by it?
If cynicism toward men by me was brought on by past sin, it deserves careful thought. I no doubt have past sin, as everyone, but does it have anything to do with today’s cynicism? I also no doubt hate the sin that men have decided to throw at me, sexually and otherwise. I am presently burdened by it, even if I claim not to be to anyone’s face. It keeps cropping up like weeds in an otherwise gorgeous, flourishing garden. I tend to lump groups of men together as players, nice, mean, and other simple terms that are stereotypical and mean in their own right. This has a huge effect toward making my cynicism prosper.
Perhaps my current cynicism of men is because of my present expectation of men. I expect that men who appear nice will be nice, instead of treating me like their mistress or garbage can, or both. We are generally speaking of Christ-followers, or pretenders of Christ-followers. I don’t believe it is too childish of me to think that people are inherently good… although Paul does say in Romans that no one is good, not one. I also expect that men can see a little of who I am, and so treat me with dignity and not make too many outlandish assumptions.
In terms of future hope, I started thinking about marriage at age 8, and my mom told me I needn’t worry about it quite yet. All the same, I pictured a very long line of men in my mind, lined up to be The One; the person I’d eventually marry. As I’d date one man, he would step forward in the line of men, but not too far forward. When we broke up, he’d step back, and eventually with the years, disappear from the line. With my cynicism at full blast, is there a line? I’m of childbearing age, and God knows I see it within the next one or two years to marry. This paper was initiated out of all three of these concepts discussed. I can’t, won’t sit around doing nothing about this cynicism and hatred and let it destroy me. It impacts my depression acutely.
For reversal, my options appear limited. Take the anti-depressant. Talk to men you don’t like to create reverse psychology and you may end up liking them. Don’t talk to men you like, you’ll be sorely and painfully disappointed; thus increasing cynicism and distress.
My life this morning has been affected severely by cynicism. I was so angry at what a man said to my face on Sunday that I could only look at people as I drove by with that same anger. I am in the image business, and anger on a face of someone in the image business will not increase business. This in turn affects my level of depression adversely because I let a potential customer see my weakness. This cycle of cynicism is not what God had in mind when He created me.
All in all, my cynicism of men may be justified by my past sin and present expectation. My future hope of a man who will treat me the way God intended a man to treat me is separate, and will remain a hope until it is actualized. I don’t see a way of reversing my cynicism, only diminishing it by finite amounts. Lastly, I know who I am in Christ and I needn’t be so angry. I’m Emilie, though, and being angry and defensive is something I’ve become quite skilled at as an adolescent as well as into adulthood.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Stories
Ask me about stories I have written! :) It's been a long time since I've been on here...but I'm really happy because I got a new operating system but I can keep my current computer, which is awesome.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Still Going
I'm still making it day by day...slowly. Pretty depressed. Try to be happy...watch comedies and the like.
I hope you are well.
I hope you are well.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Mom - new blog
For all that don't know, my mom passed away on Sunday. We have started a blog to share memories of her.
This new blog's address is
http://cyd-mems.blogspot.com
We will be working on letting family know about it, and hopefully there will be many different contributors.
Love,
Em
This new blog's address is
http://cyd-mems.blogspot.com
We will be working on letting family know about it, and hopefully there will be many different contributors.
Love,
Em
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Jason: Wednesday
I have had about four bad dreams about my friend Jason. In my waking life, I know he's not here and it's not that big of a deal. My dream life turns it into a very big deal sometimes. This is what I would call a nightmare. I had this dream on Wednesday morning before I woke up. I should give you some background of the setting first. My aunt's house is what I'll refer to the location as. She passed on Christmas Eve 2009 in that house. My aunt's house plays the role of the hospital Jason was in before he left.
-------
Jason was staying at my aunt's house to recuperate for a time. I wanted to go visit him; see how he was doing.
I drove there after dark and he was laying on a mattress in what is the kitchen area, but that was not the function of the room in the dream. The mattress was sideways like this -- and I laid down on a mattress that was this direction | right by his. It seemed as if I were staying the night, but it was more like four hours.
The next night I wanted to go see him again, but I had my dad drive me. Jason was up, walking around right outside the house. He seemed angry almost, as if he knew that I didn't drive there; it bothered him. I left.
The next night, I drove over with my friend Linds and we went "upstairs". In my aunt's house she has a basement, a main floor, and a top floor. In the dream, what was upstairs is actually what the basement looks like. Jason was here.
We saw a burgundy leather couch with sheets on it. It was way far back from the TV. (A TV shouldn't have been there). Linds made herself at home on the couch. We both planned to stay the night. I said, "This one turns into a hide-a-bed," although I don't know how I knew that. The TV was on, and Linds watched it from the couch.
I went over to where Jason was. He was in a huge gray mesh tent-like structure. The top and bottom edges of it were black, and around the front zipper was black. The zipper was only accessible from the inside. There was a Poltergeist-esque light coming from inside the tent. (If you haven't seen Poltergeist, picture the light that emits from snowy reception on a TV.) I got unnerved then, and didn't feel like trying to get Jason out.
A lot of different questions entered my mind. Is he hurt in there, did he not want to talk, why was he in there, what caused the light, was he scared?
------
I didn't finish the dream because I had to get up to go somewhere. I was grateful that I didn't get to finish the dream because things could have only gotten worse.
-------
Jason was staying at my aunt's house to recuperate for a time. I wanted to go visit him; see how he was doing.
I drove there after dark and he was laying on a mattress in what is the kitchen area, but that was not the function of the room in the dream. The mattress was sideways like this -- and I laid down on a mattress that was this direction | right by his. It seemed as if I were staying the night, but it was more like four hours.
The next night I wanted to go see him again, but I had my dad drive me. Jason was up, walking around right outside the house. He seemed angry almost, as if he knew that I didn't drive there; it bothered him. I left.
The next night, I drove over with my friend Linds and we went "upstairs". In my aunt's house she has a basement, a main floor, and a top floor. In the dream, what was upstairs is actually what the basement looks like. Jason was here.
We saw a burgundy leather couch with sheets on it. It was way far back from the TV. (A TV shouldn't have been there). Linds made herself at home on the couch. We both planned to stay the night. I said, "This one turns into a hide-a-bed," although I don't know how I knew that. The TV was on, and Linds watched it from the couch.
I went over to where Jason was. He was in a huge gray mesh tent-like structure. The top and bottom edges of it were black, and around the front zipper was black. The zipper was only accessible from the inside. There was a Poltergeist-esque light coming from inside the tent. (If you haven't seen Poltergeist, picture the light that emits from snowy reception on a TV.) I got unnerved then, and didn't feel like trying to get Jason out.
A lot of different questions entered my mind. Is he hurt in there, did he not want to talk, why was he in there, what caused the light, was he scared?
------
I didn't finish the dream because I had to get up to go somewhere. I was grateful that I didn't get to finish the dream because things could have only gotten worse.
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